i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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