I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
