Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dicks are not precious.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
