So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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