I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
