I accidentally had phone sex last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
