If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
