I showed him my bush... on skype.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
