you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
