guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
