Pregnant stripper...not hot.
he was CRYING into my vagina
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
