Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
