I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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