The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
