just come out here and I will go home with you...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize