In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
