I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
