mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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