I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Randomize
