I should be sponsored by Trojan
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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