Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize