if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
