I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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