I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
