You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
