Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize