I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
