The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
