I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
