Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
