please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
