You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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