I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I lost the right to judge tonight
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
