He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
