do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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