I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
