You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
