No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize