I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
