Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
sex in a hospital.. check
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
