You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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