You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
