look no pants
I think I am morally bankrupt
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
it's like heaven, but drunker
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
