Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
