a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
