if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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