Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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