you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
