i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
