The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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