there's paper in my vomit.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize