You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
