I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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