cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
